Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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