dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
