im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
