those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I stole a fireplace last night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't deserve a penis
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize