I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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