In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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