The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
