I wish I could teleport
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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