there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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