he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i believe in u and ur pee
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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