i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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