I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
