At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
