unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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