what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
