hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
