I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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