I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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