Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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