you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
