there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
