just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
