I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
