my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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