Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
