Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
