Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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