Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
