My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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