Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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