i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
