Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
