Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
