The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
