Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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