I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
