If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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