were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
