My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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