Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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