you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
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I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.