dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's