3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What a dumb baby whore.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.