I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!