3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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