I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
