my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
