no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
