im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
