I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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