if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
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Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
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It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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