I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
