I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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