By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
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She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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