He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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