i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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