Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
