You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
