why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
