I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
