you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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