I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize