theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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