Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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